I Have Been Reborn
After attending an 8 day mental health retreat designed to help participants untangle & understand their childhood trauma, I will never be the same. I would love to tell you about it.
For those familiar with my story, you might surmise a little bit of the baggage Iβve been carrying with me my whole life. Iβll be sparing you the details lest I burden you with the emotional weight, and focusing on my experience + what led me there.
Just prior to leaving for Arizona, where this healing retreat was held, I felt like I had a metaphorical ticking time bomb inside me, just waiting to detonate.
Despite my best efforts to βself helpβ my way into a balanced mental state, I was continually facing despair due to my earnest desire to βbe the changeβ I wished to see in the world - and not having those efforts reciprocated in some of my closest personal relationships.
This combined with my hyper empathetic instincts and betrayal towards myself to avoid βhurting feelingsβ kind of led to the perfect storm of mental, emotional, and ultimately physical instability.
One thing that surprised me the most when I was finally isolated from the world in the desert, no phone, no internet, no distractions from the work we were doing - was reviewing one of my journals I had brought with me, hoping for some clarity by reading words from my past.
I thought that what had led me to S.T.A.R. was recent developments in my life - inauthentic relationships due to my noble efforts of being a positive influence (spoiler alert, this well meaning idea backfired miserably), instinctual habits or obligations I felt chained to.
Despite my VERY strong convictions about telling my loved ones to live life on THEIR terms, abandoning any feelings of obligation & guilt shown by others for βstepping out of line", so to speak - it turns out I havenβt been following my own advice. I came to S.T.A.R. feeling trapped in a prison made of my own decisions, with no escape due to the fear I held of letting other people down.
Just earlier this month of April, I was experiencing panic attacks due to anxiety, inability to contain my emotions & a lot of hopelessness considering βhealingβ has been my number one priority for the past year. I thought it was all due to the decline of empathy & common sense in the U.S. brought out by this god-forsaken government, but it turns out the root cause came from a much, MUCH deeper place - one that all the self help books, YouTube videos & trauma healing modalities would have unfortunately never unpacked for me.
As I mentioned, I brought along a journal that Iβve been jotting down entries in since 2019. Upon reviewing my words, I was surprised to read how unstable my mental state has actually been, all throughout the last almost DECADE. Another piece of the puzzle was my intentional skipping of processing my late husband Alexβs sudden death in 2017.
After learning via lecture at the beginning of our week at STAR how deeply trauma affects you mentally & physically, things were starting to click fast.
No wonder fatigue has been an issue Iβve dealt with my whole life.
No wonder I donβt have memories of my early childhood.
No wonder I feel the need to please others in order to receive love.
No wonder betraying myself in order to build a community has caused such a disruption in my emotional state.
No wonder despite living my dream life (as so stated in my journal!!), I was still not βhappy.β Footnote: two things can be true. I have been very happy, and I have been very sad, angry, and empty. For many, many, many years now.
Honestly, the lecture part of STAR was eye opening enough to where I thought I was able to review my life & piece together why I was feeling like such an emotional hot mess.
But something you may not know, and may not even KNOW you donβt know, is how much MORE there is to processing, understanding, and overcoming your trauma. Coming to peace with it. Letting it go.
It doesnβt happen in the brain.
It happens in the body, and in the heart.
And for some people, like myself, weβve either been raised to avoid any expression of emotion, or βnegative emotionβ (ex: anger, sadness) and therefore it truly took an exhausting amount of inner & outer work with my classmates, my facilitators, and myself to unblock the emotional dam I built & fortified over 34 years in order to survive. Breaking down the barrier within my body to express emotions in the company of strangers of sadness and anger was something SO FOREIGN to me that I was a little nervous at first whether Iβd even be able to do - despite my desperate desire to do so, after learning that there was a way out of my emotional prison.
This is where I want to give all the kudos & gratitude towards the STAR program, my fellow STARmates, & the incredible facilitators who helped to unlock within me what I desperately needed. I wonβt spoil the details of the work done inside the program, because going in to it a bit blind yet wholly receptive & open minded is what Iβd recommend to anyone considering it. When you know details, you have the time to talk yourself out of it, or THINK your way out of itβ¦and Iβve now learned that the magic happens when you stop thinking, and just do the work.
Like jumping into a cold body of water, I came into this experience knowing it was not going to be pleasant, and I was going to need a LOT of encouragement & support. But Iβm so glad I did.
βLose your mindβ¦and come to your senses.β
The STAR program, created by baddie diva forever hallowed be her name - Barbara - is the result of decades of research done on how our thoughts, behaviors, actions, everything - is consciously and subconsciously affected by EVERYTHING we experience since conception, birth, upbringing by our parents / caregivers.
An excerpt from the STAR website here, describing the work we were led through during the process:
βAlong the path to your true self, you will be gently guided through cognitive exercises, integrative breathwork, emotional release work, journaling, guided imagery, intensive writing assignments, and more, all designed to reveal patterns that may directly or indirectly affect how you live today.β
After attending the program and working through these exercises myself, I smile as I continue to write, because that single sentence does technically sum up what we all did together over 8 days, but itβs impossible to convey the profound enlightenment, clarity, and peace that came from my work at STAR.
How do you put into words the feeling of finally understanding WHO you are, why you do the things you do (especially when those things HURT you), receiving validation for the pain youβve carried deep in your core since childhood, the closure of finally knowing that it wasnβt your fault - and learning why & how to care for yourself & your inner child that is still within you - back in your βrealβ life?
Thatβs a trick question. Itβs not possible. One of the most impactful takeaways for me, that came from STAR, was about how emotions, feelings, connection, and imperfection are what make us human. They are impossible to convey via lecture, via conversation, via intellectual analysis. And thatβs not a weakness.
That is beautiful.
In our modern times where computers are where society is driving reliance upon, occasions for authentic human connection are dwindling in favor of cheap dopamine hits compounding exponentially due to capitalism & (in my opinion) the insistance that we are sooo different from our indigenous ancestorsβ¦jumping into the deep end of the emotional & philosophical pool was the glass of water so many of our souls are thirsting for.
Looking into othersβ eyes, and therefore hearts, hearing their darkest fears & heartbreaks, hopes and dreams, witnessing their tears and screams and feeling our collective efforts to complete the assignments that would unveil who our innermost selves are - it was something I will never forget, in this lifetime or the next ones we will forever be experiencing.
Attending the STAR program helped me to uncover my past traumas, & connect them to why I was engaging in behaviors that, however noble, were serving to poison myself from the inside out.
βWe are every age we have ever been.β
I was guided and prompted to physiologically feel the searing, painful emotions and feelings those memories caused me, by reliving them and dissecting every part of them with the safest, kindest humans as my parachute.
I was taught to recognize and release those physical emotions from my body, in order to keep them from taking over & driving the car that is my life - and to prevent them from being bottled up so deeply within me. You donβt want to do that. Trust me. They will find a way to come out some wayβ¦.and it likely wonβt be in a way that serves you.
I was taught to recognize the different parts of my psyche, the good and bad. And how this is also the beauty of our humanity, and how we have the power within to acknowledge and refrain from affirming the harmful parts of us we all contain. And how we are not defined by them, no matter how it feels.
We learned the importance of creativity, curiosity, wonder, and play.
We practiced using our newfound skills in scenarios weβd likely experience when back in the βrealβ world, with our new friends to help us test out new phrases, actions, and choices aligned with the people we now want to be.
We received encouragement & recognition for our sorrows & struggles that led us each to STAR, & found support from strangers that re-instilled in me some hope for humanity.
I learned how being true to myself & doing what I need to feel loved & in alignment is no one elseβs responsibility but my own, and how thatβs actually a beautiful thing to fight for.
I was guided through ways to let go of past & present injustices Iβve faced, to relinquish guilt or responsibility for the habits Iβve held as a means of emotional survival.
We learned how everything we learned was just the beginning, albeit a foundation I wish every human on Earth could build for themselves.
Now as I begin anew, truly feeling reborn & at peace with what Iβve learned & with motivation to move forward by protecting my inner child, I know there will still be many more challenges to face. There will be new scenarios & relationships to test me, and Iβm going to have to truly practice communicating & enforcing my emotional boundaries without shame. My relationships with certain people will be changed forever, & theyβll never be able to understand why (unless they choose to go through STAR themselves!) - and thatβs simply not my problem.
Although it was for good reason, Iβve spent the last year emotionally investing in humans who donβt fill my heart the way that I need, and now I know that doesnβt mean thereβs something wrong with me.
I now understand the full extent of the baggage Iβve been carrying with me, consciously and subconsciously, and by processing it and finally feeling it - I have released it from my heart.
I now know how important it is to have relationships with people who understand me, make me feel safe, and allow me to express the full extent of who I am in order for me to flourish in this life.
I know now to release judgements of others due to just how absolutely innate our behaviors & actions can be as a result of our past traumas. But I also know now that itβs not my responsibility to put myself in the receiving end of those who donβt know any better.
I thought I knew this before, after dealing with the loss of my soulmate at such a young age in a traumatic way, but life is too short to harbor such pain and responsibility for othersβ happiness.
All we can do is focus on ourselves, and by understanding ourselves and the duty we have to our inner children, we can become a force of positive change in this world.
A side effect of this realization is that I felt a slow digestion of understanding that it is not my duty to force others to realize the pain and suffering they are placing upon others due to their ignorance, biases, and ingrained harmful worldviews.
Since my identity has grown to include the passion for activism and raising awareness for how severely the political environment of our country has been increasingly affecting me and my loved ones, Iβll admit that Iβm currently uncertain how to proceed now knowing that such a large part of my identity is, ultimately, something I now know triggers me far more than I ever thought - and therefore is a harmful area for me to spend my precious time focusing on.
This is a nuanced topic, and something that doesnβt require an answer or explanation past this at this time. But it is an interesting development as our country continues to fracture & devolve.
Before attending STAR, I had been grappling with the question of whether my purpose in life was to help enlighten others & procure empathy in those who may not have been reached due to my very random assortment of life experiences, and therefore some authority to speak on certain topics that are relevant in the lens of βAmerica Todayββ¦but after STAR & experiencing the beauty of life when lived among others who βget it,β feel safe to be myself around, and are equally passionate about continually evolving into their authentic, mature, loving selvesβ¦β¦β¦I think I know what my answer is now.
Iβm still uncertain what the future holds, but now I have a compass I trust.
I plan to invest even MORE time and energy into exploring who I am as an artist, spending more time on play, and figuring out how to find or build my own community of humans who can give the love to me that I know I need now. And now I know how to set boundaries along the way.
To end this piece, Iβll spell it out for you in case it wasnβt yet clear - I cannot recommend attending the STAR healing retreat enough. It changed my life, and very well could be what saved my life moving forward. Iβm not sure if the world will ever know the full extent of the darkness Iβve carried within, that I shared pieces of with my STARmates, but it has been heavy.
If any of this information has resonated with you and your story, I encourage you to trust the process and attend a STAR retreat on your own. Iβve seen now the difference it makes to receive curated, 1 on 1 guided trauma support and processing compared to general self help books & methods - those are like trying to place a bandaid on an amputated limb.
In order to introduce feeling back into your heart safely, to dissect, work backwards & determine the root of the pain - it takes a group of VERY special people, holding your hand through a very special & intense process that will take a LOT of work and introspection.
And I can without a doubt, say that STAR is an incredible way to do it. β€
Signing off until next time, angels.
