What Is My Purpose? (6/26/26)
Greetings, Angels. For those who have an interest in staying in the loop of my life path & itβs hapβsβ¦.Iβm back with an update.
Itβs not exactly a βhappyβ update, but itβs ultimately a positive one. This personal experiment & practice of writing, reading, sharing the inner workings of my mind is a vulnerable one. Itβs funny, because as i fall further down the rabbit hole of awakening - it becomes more and more clear just how the practices & the lifestyle Iβm trying to grow into is completely opposite from how our society, my survival instincts, and business skills (that I worked incredibly hard to forge) have programmed me to behave.
Sharing these words with you, is in itself, an act of defiance against everything Iβve clung to in order to protect myself. It goes against my programmed behavior to share to the world that I, in fact,
donβt have it all together,
donβt know what Iβm doing with my life,
& am struggling within this human experienceβ¦especially as a very sensitive, and wizened soul.
Iβm so wise, in fact, that I know that I know nothing.
And THATβS not very good for business & branding, which is what I have lived and breathed for almost a decade.
At the core of business, you want to appear as if
YOU know all the answers,
YOU have your act together,
YOU are successful, and that
YOU have it all.
And thatβs why people should listen to YOU.
Itβs generally not good for business to advertise online that you are a hot mess.
But I have been drug through the coals of putting up smoke & mirrors to convey this facade.
But for better or worse, I can not and I will not play that game anymore.
Iβm TIRED of the capitalistic need for brands, businesses, and humans to put up a front that they are perfect. Especially when what I personally long for, right now, in my time of existential struggle & growth, is to find camaraderie with others who are going through the same thing.
Sure, I know a lot about a lot of things. I will tell you, I am wise. And I mean it. But as mentioned in my previous episode, the dawning that my life & who Iβve thought I am is not quite what it has seemed, due to my multiple causes of emotional traumaβ¦ has been extremely sobering, humbling, and yes, at timesβ¦crippling.
When it feels like the earth is no longer solid underneath your feet, when it feels like youβve been pulled backwards into a free fall that wonβt end - itβs extremely disorienting.
Because of the dark nights of the soul Iβve been surviving these last months, the focus of this piece, my quest to discover my purpose in life, is on the back burner.
I want to take a pause here, and circle back to the first point I mean to express to you.
As part of my inner child healing, my shadow work, self improvement practice, whatever words you use -
AND my irritation with how easily it is to swindle people these days thanks to technology - I want to emphasize to you, my angel, to take my story as an example.
An example of how things can seem sparkling and put together on the outside, when on the inside, itβs crumbling.
This is a huge gripe I have now, more than ever, as Iβm going through one of the most human experiences possible.
Because as our sole focus (yes, this is a sweeping generalization) as modern humans in a capitalist, global economy is truly only to focus on either making enough money to survive, and if you are privileged, enough money to thrive? I can see now more than ever how it promotes & fetishizes a very, very, very, very, VERY unhealthy way of living.
Instead of self help books, branding books, marketing books, systems operations books, management books, business culture books to succeed in lifeβ¦it turns out I needed to be learning about nervous system regulation.
Connecting with nature.
Learning wisdom from elders who have lived through the cycles of life that only come to make sense once you get older.
Romanticizing life.
Dedicating intentional time for creative exploration.
And the crazy thing about going through this growth - is that itβs a lot like building a business. Marketing. Branding. Sales psychology. I guess Iβm still using those skills and knowledge I worked so hard to embody. But itβs for me, this time. To hint at a future piece I have been marinating on, thereβs also a lot of parallels between self growth and dog training, too. Funny huh?
Anyways, as I grow older, further awaken, share my truth with those who are safe, and continue on my life path to heal & figure out my purpose and WHO I AMβ¦.Iβm being shown over and over again that we are all going through this universal human experience of beauty & suffering at the same time. (cough cough we are all the universe experiencing itself cough cough) and gee whilickers, if only we could all be up front about this and our struggles, then I sure do think we would all be able to get through it a whole hell of a lot better.
The reason I say this is not because Iβm proposing a world where we are all trauma informed therapists who could administer clinical and tested advice to each other when presented with problems, and speak only to each other in an overly cautious manner -
itβs because I think so much of what βhealingβ is turning out to be, at least for meβ¦β¦..is the comfort of knowing Iβm not alone in this struggle.
In a country where we are programmed to want MORE, be BETTER, be PERFECT, to never admit your faults!
I want to sit with those who have decided that thatβs not the life THEY want.
And who can admit that they DONβT have it all figured out.
Those who are humble, empathetic, and compassionate.
Those who have the humility to learn and be taught. A la my beloved world of Pokemon... You teach me, and I teach you.
THAT is the purpose I wish the whole lot of humanity could pursue.
But, I digress.
Iβll wrap up this portion by saying, once again, that I can assure you itβs very easy to create the illusion of a good, happy life. Even, a lot of the time, to yourself.
But Iβm learning that everything this world tells us will lead to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - is a distraction.
Meant to cover up the void that our modern way of life has told us to live. When we are all essentially born to be cogs in the machine, nothing more than consumers and producers by those who run our country (and this all did start as soon as the colonization of our land began, donβt get it twisted) - it doesnβt leave much time for each of us to purse self actualization & to build a true sense of self & self love. Also, because if we all loved ourselves - that would be bad for business, too.
Right now, my conclusion is that the only thing that will fill the void, comes from within.
And you can only find it from introspection,
from discovery,
from curiosity,
and most importantly - a LOT of compassion.
And the crappy, BUT beautiful thing (depending how you look at it) is that every soulβs void will require a different combination to unlock congruency.
As stated in the title of this episode, Iβm still looking for my combination.
Iβm navigating my programming to think of this lifelong quest as a task to check off. Something I can complete if i just watch oneeee more youtube video, listen to oneee more podcast, read oneee more bookβ¦β¦although those have all been paramount in my quest.
When you live among the unconscious, it gets so lonely. Reading or hearing words from others on the same path - it helps me see that Iβm not alone. Camaraderie.
Iβm also working on training myself to hold back these days, instead of getting a couple of somatic green lights by an interest or passion and then going all in & assuming that βIβve found it! This is my purpose in life!β l o l.
Iβm surrendering to this chapter in the void. Iβll spare you the gory details, but I am not super mentally stable right now, and emotionally - much less so.
They say this is normal, when bringing your past traumas back up to the surface of your consciousness & realizing what an impact theyβve made on you, subconsciously, without any consent.
They also say itβs normal to go through this period of overwhelm when youβre learning to actually feel and sit with the tough human emotions we all experience, instead of pushing them down or swallowing them as an act of survival -
like I have been doing for 34 years now.
So I feel a bit like a child in that way, in the way that Iβm trying on new identities, new personality traits, new ways of language, new ways of reacting, feeling, expressing, BEING.
But Iβm attempting to take all of this growth in stride, taking this time of questioning to sit with myself and take it all as a sign that I am on the right path in my healing.
Iβm doing what I can to re-wire my brain and to move on from feeling shattered to feeling EMPOWERED to build who I am, NOW - all by myself.
Not survival mechanisms or limiting beliefs disguised as personality traits.
Not doing things or being a certain way because itβs just how Iβve always been.
But dreaming of my most alive,
empowered,
thriving
& confident self.
One who has learned to accept ALL facets of me, and loves even the darkest parts of me - and is no longer afraid of what happens if the world sees those parts.
Because those who mind donβt matter. and those who matter, DONβT MIND.
Iβm thinking of this version of me.
Asking myself what SHE would do,
how SHE would react to circumstances,
and how SHE would move through this world,
on HER life journey.
and gradually, brick by brickβ¦
reaching up to meet her.
And then become one with her.
Iβm wishing it was a quick process, I really am!!!!
But I have been humbled several times now by thinking my metamorphosis has finished, and now I know that we are just getting started.
But as our world, again, skews our expectations & reality of human experienceβ¦
Just as a work of art, a body made strong, a delicious batch of bone broth (iβm hungry) - thing built the right way,
the manageable way,
the quality way,
the human way.
are not formed over a short period of time.
My nervous system will need thousands of safe reps to get stronger.
My limiting beliefs will need to be gently corrected & replaced with my soul truths thousands of times before it becomes natural.
Verbalizing and enforcing boundaries is something Iβll need to do over, and over, and over again before it becomes natural and doesnβt send me into an internal, short circuiting spiral.
I have been avoiding this truth for years now, and it eventually led into a full blown nervous breakdown in 2026.
Although Iβm making great strides in my becoming, my body & my mind have made it very clear to me that Iβm still in no shape to get back on the horse and continue my quest of finding my purpose.
Donβt get me wrong, Iβm still chipping away at my passions that I think could lead to it - but Iβve been broken down far enough now that Iβve released any timeline of when Iβll be βbetterββ¦
in my mind, Iβm SO READYYYY for something new to use my talents and knowledge toward!!! But since my intuition is not telling me which next step to take, Iβm letting go. Surrendering. And accepting a much longer chapter of sitting in this liminal space, this limbo, this cocoon of metamorphosis until itβs revealed to me what to do next. Iβm focusing on taking care of my gift of a body that has faced neglect in the name of entrepreneurship, and my nervous system. Iβm gently taking steps to get more comfortable sharing my voice and speaking my truth, like you are witnessing right now.
For those who know me personally, I hope this episode has been helpful in explaining my headspace and where Iβm at these days. In an attempt to take a step back from my (extremely, extremely limited) social life, Iβve been voicing that Iβm in an antisocial phase to focus on my healing, my art, and my purpose.
As I continue to learn about healing, specifically as a BIPOC woman in a patriarchal world, experts say we women MUST find community of like minded souls to thriveβ¦and because we have a special need for oxytocin for our nervous systems to flourish. Iβm uncertain how to navigate that when those I know personally (not all, those who are exempt know who you are) are not necessarily walking the same path of self discovery & asking questions about the meaning of their life.
So these spoken pieces mean a lot to me, because I feel like a candle in the dark. Maybe I can open the door for people I know personally or virtually to be able to experience a verbal form of community, with me. If you are walking this path, I hope my words can make you feel less alone.
I want to take a minute to give so much gratitude to those who have been walking this path long before I came along, and I want to point out that based off of my studies, it does sting because this chapter Iβm experiencing is such an important part of the human experience that the our native brothers and sisters, and my ancestors were very familiar with, and itβs just another example of something beautiful that weβve lost during this shift due to colonialism, white nationalism, and modern life.
Iβd like to hope that Iβm just one example of many who are waking up, realizing these things, and I do not know why but I need to express my thoughts about it. Luckily, sharing them with you serves as shadow work, somatic healing, feeling release, inner child healing, and strengthening my throat chakra, and hopefully finding like minded souls all at once. No one said you canβt multitask while surfing this astral plane, so Iβm trying to figure out how LOL!
Thank you for listening, and thank you for witnessing me.
Sending you peace and love β€
Elisa
